A-fucking-I images

Y'all are gonna hate me for this but it's been pissing me off to the point I can't think straight. Puh, more than usual, anyway.

*Inhales*...

...I get it. AI images, or "art" as some people call them, are a menace. They're not good at all, not for artists overall. Not even the environment, if what I've read is true. Which, wow, that's got nothing to do with me; I didn't fucking make the damn things, not my fault if I use social media.

But for little selfish creatives, ones like me who just fucking need a little fucking bone, AI-generated images are a priceless tool.

Look at this...

This is the evolution of my cover for my first completed novel, Inhuman, from 2017 to 2024.

...As you can see, it's...not good. Not good at all. Before this, I had never made a cover before. I'd done titles and logos for a good decade before but the theme and feel for the HUSHS series and Inhuman was just...so hard to figure out even for a logo.

For the longest time, the second to last cover was the "final" cover for this story. I had completely given up trying to find something or make something using free graphics or even some non-free graphics and stock pictures and vectors, you name it.

Then in 2020, I finally succumbed to using AI, first through Artbreeder before settling nicely with Bing AI.

Seeing my characters for the first time, seeing them given faces...I could have cried. I first made a cover for Inhuman, as it is my most recognizable webnovel, and...I'm speechless. This fucking cover is exactly what I'd wanted for it. With that final image for the cover came the brand fucking-new amazing title that I made for it. It's so different from everything else. I love it. It came together so...naturally. Because I had been given a tool to unlock whatever bit of genuine creativity exists in my fucking noggin.

But.

Do you fucking think I can afford to get the artists I want to make a highly detailed cover that of course wouldn't look like that, but what the fuck man? You think I can afford anything past $50 let alone for 30+ goddamn stories?!

I want and refuse to get anything other than high-quality images for my work, even if it's just a fucking stupid webnovel no one reads. Covers are no different. If I had money, I'd pay these amazing, envy-worthy artists a hundred times over just to see my characters and worlds in their goddamn amazing art styles.

Alas.

I'm poor. Really fucking poor. I'm mentally fucked up to the point that I can't make money through writing commissions as people have legitimately asked me to do in the past. I have a very real inability to do fuck shit.

If you are a good artist...I'm not saying people aren't assholes and try to wring you for nothin'. But I cannot imagine having a creative skill with which I can actually make money. Something honed with blood and sweat and tears that you can use to not only make something amazing with, something people always choose over writing when trying to get an audience, but also something you can make money with.

Can't imagine that...that luxury.

I made an update all over some of my socials informing that I have to start selling my body to make ends meet now. That's where I am.

Goddammit...I digress.

Bing AI and Artbreeder are free. I'll bet there are other AI programs that are free, but Bing AI is just...*chef's kiss* for me. I don't need anything else. I'm satisfied.

Fuck, I am so disheartened and mad right now.

I'm not saying people aren't misusing AI images, for fuck's sake. I don't even need to elaborate on that tomfoolery.

But people like me?

Why can't we use it, even if just for now—not forever?

I cannot begin to explain how much...better...I did (in the past) after I started using AI to visualize my characters, locations, and more.

'Course, I'm a fucking bobblehead now. Can't even think straight, I have such debilitating mental fuckshit going on...

Whatever.

You get it.

No, I won't stop being pro-AI images in certain circumstances. Not now. Not if it helps even a goddamn little for my already botched, pathetic attempts at creativity. It isn't the end-all-be-all forever thing.

I don't fucking WANT to use AI images.

So, guess what? Are you happy now, antis? I put all of the four years worth of AI images I had into a neat little folder on my PC and said "sayonara", 'cause I won't use Bing AI for anything public anymore.

S'not like y'all give a fuck about what I write for me to even attempt giving the stories good covers anyway.

But, hey.

What do I know.

I'm just...a sad, fucked up transman.

Whatever.

Thanks for coming to my sad, fucked up TED Talk.

Now go on, do that thing you want to do so badly and block my fatass for defending AI. We're all fuckers here.

White People™ Part 2

Wow. Y'all are just trying to make 2021 a shitty year, ain'tcha? Not even a full week into the fucking New Year and there's a goddamned insurrection...A full-on white supremacist takeover of the fucking...

I can't even find words to describe what took place yesterday in Washington DC. I have family down there, dammit.

I haven't had much to say in the form of non-personal rants, lately. I'm too exhausted to say much of anything more than that, and I feel other people get the points across with more flavor and sass than I ever could. 

But here's the little bit I will say.

What. The actual. Fuck. Is WRONG with you people?! I'm not about to use the pleasantries that are "deserved"; I think any intelligent white person, which seems hard to come by nowadays, wouldn't be indignant but agreeing with us by now.

You just don't understand it, do you? How this would have gone down if it were a brown-skinned group or a black group who dared so much as think about this? 

Look at the many comparisons to what the Capitol looked like—fuck, what DC looked like—after what happened after George Floyd's death in comparison to what the Capitol looked like yesterday when there was a FUCKING TAKEOVER OF THE CAPITOL BY WHITE SUPREMACISTS. 

I can't even. 

The two can't even fucking compare to one another, but one of these, appearance-wise, is not like the other. Something is missing.

People are crying, scared, over this because of how we are aware of this and how terrorizing it is as a whole. 

Do you understand the gravity behind what happened yesterday? It's fucking history that was made. And not the good type, goddammit, because apparently, 2020 wasn't good enough to go down in history.

Nooo, we have to drag 2021 into this, too.

I'm not so fucking naive that I'm believing 2021 was some "maaagical" number that was supposed to reset everything once it became Jan. 1st. 

But wouldn't that have been nice, hm?

Other countries must have long stopped shaking their heads, pointing and laughing at us and are just downright horrified at this point. Horrified, confused. Believe me, I know. 

But fuck that. Trump let all of this—ALL OF THIS—happen. And now that it's come to the near worst of the worst they NOW want to impeach him, the motherfuckers.

I am ashamed of this country. 

I am ashamed. 

I am scared.

I am sad.

I'm hurt.

I just don't know what the fuck is wrong with American society, politics, or white people anymore. Like I said before, I just can't look at you all the same way anymore. I'm not sad to say this, because I should have stopped looking at you all with rose-tinted glasses a long fucking time ago.

Sorry.

But I'm not sorry.

I'm still not able to mentally do much as far as entries worthy of BBTxx, but...I'd love to have more entries here going forward.

Here's to 2021.

Or some laughable shit like that...

2020

My. Have I've been gone for a while...

Ahh, 2020. Fuck you. You're coming at me, at us, too hard, damn you. Either I am going to die this year or someone I know will, and for that, I fucking hate you. So...so much.

Right, then.

Let's post some shit.

Pull the TRIGGER

Dear Existence,

Humans are idiots. They like to bandwagon words and phrases because "everyone else is using them". Please erase them.

Sincerely, Mar

Aaah, triggering. This...lovely term has come into excessive use, from my experience, for the past...oh...year or two. Again, from my experience, because I really don't fucking care how long it has been used in this modern, 21st-century, asinine way.

Like so many sacred things and things that were once used for particular, important and serious reasons, the mainstream of society has bastardized and terribly abused the word "trigger". Trigger, as in something that brings up memories and sensations of a traumatizing event. This word used to mean something. Something that was very serious and not to be taken jokingly.

I don't know nor do I particularly care how, but regardless, idiots of our mainstream society got their usurping hands on it and now use it to make light of anything that "seemingly", by their narrowed, crossed eyes, causes someone to throw some sort of fit.

"That person is carrying on in anger because someone on the internet posed something about Donald Trump! THEY'VE BEEN TRIGGEEEERRRED!"

Yeah.

You know who you are.

Idiots.

No, there were legitimate words and reason for that before it all became a joke. Before that word was thrown around to—in such limited form—"describe" someone speaking their mind, expressing themselves and their opinions. Now the word "trigger", which was once specifically used for people who experienced traumas, is used in a disparaging, off-handed way.

Now it's all a joke to you bobbleheads. You don't take people who you deem "triggered" seriously. You brush them off, jeer and mock them, tell them to "calm down". And we're not even talking about people who may have, in fact, been expressing their discomfort over something reminding them of a trauma.

But, of course, none of those people matter when you've jumped the bandwagon—the bandwagon of shameful stupidity, ignorance and cruelty. All that matters is spewing what you heard so-and-so say.

"Because everyone's doing it."

Brain cells; the next few generations are going to be devoid of them entirely, if these are the generations that are going to be raising them.

Like I said in my last post.

I've got a trigger for you right here.

Twirl on it.

The next time you decide some new verbal fad is cool to use, you take that trigger.

Point its figurative barrel to your head.

And please, do us all a favor and pull it.

Congratulations. You've just joined the brain cell suicide squad.

Suicide is like Abortion...

...in that if you aren't going to actively partake in that child's life after they are born, in any way, shape or form...shut the fuck up about "pro-life" and "killing babies".

Much like how if you aren't going to actively help the person live/have a better life/see things worth living for...shut the fuck up about "suicide prevention".

So piss off with your reposts of Suicide Hotlines and holy-religious scripture. If you know someone who is depressed, suffering in any way or simply suicidal and want to off themselves? Instead of calling them weak, trying to tell them "things will get better", telling them they have it "better" than others, or making them feel worse in any way because of their desire to bother no one just KILL their one miserable life—if you care enough, you'll do something about it. 

ACTIVELY.

As in doing things with them, helping them in whatever need they may have to make their lives just a bit more bearable. Because all those things I mentioned before? Simply ignoring them? Hoping it'll go away? HA! They'll be dead before you know it!

Suicide prevention is a joke, otherwise. 

Much like how pro-lifers and those who wave the "killing baby" banners probably wouldn't adopt the many children who are born from unwanted pregnancies. 

Fucking asinine. 

From personal experience, I can tell you—you would literally be saving my life if that was all you did. For me. From the heart.

Seems like decent human interaction on such sensitive topics is such a tall order to ask for.