A-fucking-I images

Y'all are gonna hate me for this but it's been pissing me off to the point I can't think straight. Puh, more than usual, anyway.

*Inhales*...

...I get it. AI images, or "art" as some people call them, are a menace. They're not good at all, not for artists overall. Not even the environment, if what I've read is true. Which, wow, that's got nothing to do with me; I didn't fucking make the damn things, not my fault if I use social media.

But for little selfish creatives, ones like me who just fucking need a little fucking bone, AI-generated images are a priceless tool.

Look at this...

This is the evolution of my cover for my first completed novel, Inhuman, from 2017 to 2024.

...As you can see, it's...not good. Not good at all. Before this, I had never made a cover before. I'd done titles and logos for a good decade before but the theme and feel for the HUSHS series and Inhuman was just...so hard to figure out even for a logo.

For the longest time, the second to last cover was the "final" cover for this story. I had completely given up trying to find something or make something using free graphics or even some non-free graphics and stock pictures and vectors, you name it.

Then in 2020, I finally succumbed to using AI, first through Artbreeder before settling nicely with Bing AI.

Seeing my characters for the first time, seeing them given faces...I could have cried. I first made a cover for Inhuman, as it is my most recognizable webnovel, and...I'm speechless. This fucking cover is exactly what I'd wanted for it. With that final image for the cover came the brand fucking-new amazing title that I made for it. It's so different from everything else. I love it. It came together so...naturally. Because I had been given a tool to unlock whatever bit of genuine creativity exists in my fucking noggin.

But.

Do you fucking think I can afford to get the artists I want to make a highly detailed cover that of course wouldn't look like that, but what the fuck man? You think I can afford anything past $50 let alone for 30+ goddamn stories?!

I want and refuse to get anything other than high-quality images for my work, even if it's just a fucking stupid webnovel no one reads. Covers are no different. If I had money, I'd pay these amazing, envy-worthy artists a hundred times over just to see my characters and worlds in their goddamn amazing art styles.

Alas.

I'm poor. Really fucking poor. I'm mentally fucked up to the point that I can't make money through writing commissions as people have legitimately asked me to do in the past. I have a very real inability to do fuck shit.

If you are a good artist...I'm not saying people aren't assholes and try to wring you for nothin'. But I cannot imagine having a creative skill with which I can actually make money. Something honed with blood and sweat and tears that you can use to not only make something amazing with, something people always choose over writing when trying to get an audience, but also something you can make money with.

Can't imagine that...that luxury.

I made an update all over some of my socials informing that I have to start selling my body to make ends meet now. That's where I am.

Goddammit...I digress.

Bing AI and Artbreeder are free. I'll bet there are other AI programs that are free, but Bing AI is just...*chef's kiss* for me. I don't need anything else. I'm satisfied.

Fuck, I am so disheartened and mad right now.

I'm not saying people aren't misusing AI images, for fuck's sake. I don't even need to elaborate on that tomfoolery.

But people like me?

Why can't we use it, even if just for now—not forever?

I cannot begin to explain how much...better...I did (in the past) after I started using AI to visualize my characters, locations, and more.

'Course, I'm a fucking bobblehead now. Can't even think straight, I have such debilitating mental fuckshit going on...

Whatever.

You get it.

No, I won't stop being pro-AI images in certain circumstances. Not now. Not if it helps even a goddamn little for my already botched, pathetic attempts at creativity. It isn't the end-all-be-all forever thing.

I don't fucking WANT to use AI images.

So, guess what? Are you happy now, antis? I put all of the four years worth of AI images I had into a neat little folder on my PC and said "sayonara", 'cause I won't use Bing AI for anything public anymore.

S'not like y'all give a fuck about what I write for me to even attempt giving the stories good covers anyway.

But, hey.

What do I know.

I'm just...a sad, fucked up transman.

Whatever.

Thanks for coming to my sad, fucked up TED Talk.

Now go on, do that thing you want to do so badly and block my fatass for defending AI. We're all fuckers here.

White People™

I touched on this a bit on my main blog...but I need to get it out in another way. I won't give you the sad sob story of my history when it comes to racism, but know this much.

Know this fucking much.

I cannot...and will not look at white people the same way again.

Yeah. You.

Because this problem is embedded too fucking deep to not look at white folks the same way as I did a few—just a fucking few—months ago.

Both the pandemic and the rekindled Black Lives Matter movement—which never went away at all, mind you—has brought too damn much to my attention. The ignorant racism. The embedded racism. The damn fucking stupidity and blindness that white people have.

It's fucking outstanding.

Since the entire world has turned upside-down in more ways than one, I cannot...fucking...believe the amount of white people who have come out of their safe little hovels and posted "pleading" questions of "how to write people of color or black people". 

I have proof, too, dammit, but I already had my say on all of that shit on the posts themselves online. Let's just say, it ended with someone saying "I am sorry I added to your pain". Ohhh, fuck youuuuuu, asswipe.

There aren't enough words to describe how I am feeling, right now. So much so, I cannot put it into coherent or even semi-coherent speech. 

Maybe once I've been able to properly digest these images in my head, these videos I've seen in my head, I'll return to the topic in a part two or some-fucking-thing.

As for the rest of you? So much as bring up you donating to the BLM movement, to end police brutality, etc. etc. etc., I'll be on your fucking ass. I will be asking you questions, I will be interrogating you.

Or...maybe I'll bring it up on my own. I need to know where my white "allies" stand. 

That's it. 

That is fucking it.

...and Humans are Idiots- Ningen, please

I know at least one of you do this.

You know who you are.

But I can't stand this—in fact, I truly despise and loathe this.

So, then. Got your adult panties on? Don't let me worm into them...'kay?~♥

Ah, derogatory terms. Aren't they just...awful? Demeaning and insulting, some created for the sole purpose of making one feel...less than human. Some are distasteful "nicknames" created to verbally spit on someone or a race or group of people. Either way...it's unpleasant, to be called a derogatory term.

But then this thing called "reclaiming" derogatory terms exists, as well.

Huh. Well, let's use some examples, here.

Nerd was used to describe, as Wikipedia puts it, a person seen as overly intellectual, obsessive, or lacking social skills. Such a person may spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, little known, or non-mainstream activities, which are generally either highly technical, abstract, or relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities. Additionally, many so-called nerds are described as being shy, quirky, pedantic, and unattractive, and may have difficulty participating in, or even following, sports.

But, of course, as we are all painfully aware of, nowadays, the term "nerd" has been reclaimed and is used out of pride and is considered a group identity. Nerds are also awesome people. At least, from my own experiences. Never mind the fact that I am a nerd, myself, as is my older brother.

Queer, while originally a word (and is still a word) that means strange, peculiar, etc., it became used as a "derogatory term for effeminate men, men who were believed to engage in receptive or passive sex with other men, as well as those who exhibited non-normative gender expressions."

But, of course, this term has become widely embraced and celebrated with pride, and I, personally, agree that the term has a bittersweet truth to it from its original meaning. We are strange and unusual to mainstream, societal norms. We might never be able to escape this truth.

I wholeheartedly agree these words have their rightful places in the world. I like these words, as I identify both as a nerd and as queer. But I only support these words a) because nerd never carried the weight of some other pejorative words (and what the hell else are we supposed to be called?) and b) because of what "queer" originally meant, largely.

...However.

There are some words with histories so atrocious, so deeply rooted with hatred, ignorance, suffering, pain, destruction, and vile atrocities, I believe they should never be used outside of educational, informational means.

I'm going to focus on the one that has deep roots in my own existence.

You better fucking believe I'm talking about the 'n' word.

There is honestly no other way to get around it—

Nigger. Nigga. Niggah. However the fuck you want to spell it, it doesn't change what it is. What it means. How it is still used, even by the very same people who claim to use it in "positive" ways!

Human, please. Go the fuck back to school, read some stories, talk to some people, and then come the fuck back to me and dare you to keep using that thrice-accursed word.

Rationally speaking, I can only imagine people who use these words are people who never truly, and I mean truly researched the history, impact and meaning of the word and never spoke to friends, family members, who had to experience said impact of such a word.

Otherwise, you are honestly just sheep. Sheep following the herd of other ignorant, senseless, blithely asinine peers who are sheep in turn. Following the other collective assholes and ne'er-do-wells who put this word back into its accursed wide-usage we've become so-called "desensitized" to, today.

...Because, have you noticed that no other race of people use a derogatory term, such as Jap and spick, that was once used for them the way black people use the "nigger", in all of its variations, today? And here's the catch. These terms are still derogatory. Highly so, without a doubt. And no one dares use them unless they are indeed being derogatory. Whereas, on the same wavelength, words that were truly reclaimed, such as nerd and queer, are used by everyone, and freely so!

Whereas, I'll bet you're quite familiar with these:

"White people don't get to use the N word."

"White people can't use the N word."

"That word is ours, not yours."

And such nonsense such as this.

For the bobbleheads out there who say, "Wait, there's a difference between nigger and niggaaaaaaaa", I a-fucking-sure you, I've heard no difference between the way the two words are used. Again, by the same fucking people who initially claimed to use it in a "reclaimed, positive" way.

Firstly, there's no "positive" way you idjits use this word, and you know it. Because if you really believed that, you wouldn't call your best friend a nigga and then turn around and call someone you fucking despise a nigga, in the same shit-speaking breath. What sort of sense does it make to use a supposedly reclaimed word with this obvious inflection of hate, distaste or mocking?

Secondly, if this word was truly reclaimed, anyone could indeed, freely use it. Like nerd and queer. Mind-blowing? Shouldn't be! These words aren't, for all intents and purposes, career-crushing, respect-destroying words, unlike "nigger".

So here's what I say to all ye

Talk shit? Spit blood.

Because maybe that's what it's going to take to get you to understand the meaning of this word "nigger".

Me look it up for you?

YOU fucking look it up, and look it up long and hard. Swallow it. Regurgitate it. Swallow hard. Digest it. Turn it to crud. And then you fucking eat that literal shit and smear it into your brain, if you must.

KNOW. YOUR. FUCKING. HISTORY.

NO ONE SHOULD FUCKING USE THAT WORD. IF YOU EVEN HAVE TO GIVE LIMITATIONS TO IT, IT BLOODY MEANS THE WORD IS PEJORATIVE AND YOU KNOW IT.

Stop only parroting  what you hear and actually use your rotting grey matter, damn it all!  How, I mean just how stupid can you be?! I can't begin to explain how many times people have actually told me the only use the word because their friends do, because "everyone" does, or other nonsense!!

So I'm going to ask you all a serious, wretched question.

Do you want to be a nigger?

DO YOU REALLY?

DO you REALLY want to call this to a family member, a loved one? A close, good friend?

Because, I assure you, I am more than willing to remind you what it means to be less than human if you are so fucking willing to continue using this utterly distasteful, inexcusable word.

If I have to repeat myself to any of you who read this, know I will not be so kind as I am now. In fact, I'll just act like you don't exist.

And for you pissants who dare say I've been "triggered"?

I've got a trigger for you right here.

Twirl on it.

A post about "triggering" and how asinine that is will soon come your way.

Suicide is like Abortion...

...in that if you aren't going to actively partake in that child's life after they are born, in any way, shape or form...shut the fuck up about "pro-life" and "killing babies".

Much like how if you aren't going to actively help the person live/have a better life/see things worth living for...shut the fuck up about "suicide prevention".

So piss off with your reposts of Suicide Hotlines and holy-religious scripture. If you know someone who is depressed, suffering in any way or simply suicidal and want to off themselves? Instead of calling them weak, trying to tell them "things will get better", telling them they have it "better" than others, or making them feel worse in any way because of their desire to bother no one just KILL their one miserable life—if you care enough, you'll do something about it. 

ACTIVELY.

As in doing things with them, helping them in whatever need they may have to make their lives just a bit more bearable. Because all those things I mentioned before? Simply ignoring them? Hoping it'll go away? HA! They'll be dead before you know it!

Suicide prevention is a joke, otherwise. 

Much like how pro-lifers and those who wave the "killing baby" banners probably wouldn't adopt the many children who are born from unwanted pregnancies. 

Fucking asinine. 

From personal experience, I can tell you—you would literally be saving my life if that was all you did. For me. From the heart.

Seems like decent human interaction on such sensitive topics is such a tall order to ask for.